Saint Anger Around My Neck

If I could destroy one aspect of my personality, it would be this...

I would righteously murder my anger.

Anger has controlled me my entire life. Those who know me socially might be surprised by this. I remember sitting at a church function a few years ago, and one of the young ladies in attendance said she couldn't even imagine me getting mad. This made my wife almost snort with laughter.

And that hurt me.

Amber doesn't have to try very hard at all to imagine me getting angry. All she has to do is think about any random car ride we've taken where I encountered the least bit of traffic or a slow driver.

All she has to do is think about anytime something didn't go the way I expected it too.

All she has to do is think about the hundreds of times a week I've become frustrated over pointless garbage.

The person I love above all has no problem imagining me angry.

I don't want to be this way, and I certainly don't try to get mad. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate how my neck hurts and my head pounds. My entire body gets angry. I can almost feel it swallowing me, the way a claustrophobic describes having an episode. 

My anger has been such an issue in my life, it has at times caused me to question the very existence of God. I'll explain: since I've been young, I've prayed, cried, and begged God to take away my anger. It comes out of nowhere, and I rarely feel it until it's peaked. All I want is for it to be away, but God has never seemed fit to do so. Any time I've talked to someone about this issue, I get the same regurgitated garbage about "God only helps those who help themselves," which isn't Biblical, by the way. People who are the quickest to give throw-away advice are usually the worst people to talk to, but they seem to always be around. I've come to terms with my faith in God, however. I read about Paul who asked God to deliver him from the "thorn in his side," but Scripture never indicates God did that. Maybe it's just something I'm stuck with.

That really bothers me, though, because it's not how I want to live. I want to be laid back. I want to be able to relax and enjoy things. I want to be happy without consciously waiting for something to ruin my mood. I guess I just want to feel normal.

I'm not posting this because I want anyone's advice on how to deal with it, although I'm sure someone will try. You can't help yourself, and I understand. I guess I just wanted to post how it makes me feel, because there may be someone else who feels as swallowed up as I do. I promise this: if I find a way to deal, to cope, and to exorcise, I'll be sure to talk about that, too. In the mean time, just know that you're not alone in your anger. Just know that I realize how frustrating it is when people say things like, "You just need to relax," or "Don't get so worked up about things," as if it was that simple. Trust me, if it was a matter of just "not doing something," I'd never do whatever that something might be again.

Here's to feeling better....